2024 – drjuls

20Dec

decorative word joy on a star shaped ornament

Julie LyleBeautiful Life, Gratitude, Personal Growth

Joy to Your World

It is in the grand contradictions of the deepest soul that great moments of life are afoot.
—Craig D. Lounsbrough, The Eighth Page: A Christmas Journey

Lights, baubles, action! Welcome to December, the month of perplexing incongruities. The sweetness of shortbread filled events versus the sour frustration of a few difficult personalities arriving for annual visits. The magic of twinkling adorned trees against the lingering, stinging heartache grief of love ones departed. The comfort of listening to nostalgic tunes contrasted by determined voices pitted against one another dueling for who is most right and wrong. Packages circled with ribbons of merriment paired with taxing anxieties from life’s bundles of financial and relationship challenges that don’t take time off during the holidays. Humming “Joy to the World” prompts the question: How will you find joy during this season of contradictions? Here are a few ideas:

Remember to reconfigure joy not as an absolute but rather notice the cumulative effects of incremental deposits in your happiness account: breathing in cool night air, savoring a memory from childhood, sipping a peppermint treat, adding an extra flannel to your wardrobe, surprising a neighbor with baked goods, recalling a time of joy with a friend and spontaneously calling them to relive this shared joy.
For holiday gatherings, prepare three (3) note cards with the words “Person” “Place” and “Thing.” Place them face down the center of the table. Each guest is invited to take a turn by selecting one of the three cards. Depending on which card they pick, they will describe the person, place or thing that brings them joy and why.
As the Grinch experienced, his heart grew three times its original size when he witnessed the Whos down in Whoville singing. Play holiday favorites and sing along and your heart may will grow as well.
Read: A fantastic conversation with the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu on creating, embracing and living a life of service and joy.
The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World: Lama, Dalai, Tutu, Desmond, Abrams, Douglas Carlton: 9780399185045: Amazon.com: Books

Joy doesn’t simply plop itself on the platter of our consciousness nor inhabit our activities. We can’t buy it on Amazon or drill for it in some mythical well of happiness. No, perhaps experiencing joy is a quiet expedition within each of us.

A quest for joy is like an archaeological dig, requiring an essential tool called “patience” used with a diligent, intentional focus to find joy. Delicately or with force, we need to brush away stressors wearing attitudinal lenses to allow feelings of contentment to be seen by your heart.

20Sep

Group of Canadian Geese flying with blue sky background

Julie LyleBalance, Beautiful Life, Personal Growth, The Journey of Life

Belonging

Growth is painful. Change is painful. But, nothing is as painful as staying stuck where you do not belong.
—N. R. Narayana Murthy

In the Shrek movie, the character Donkey bounces on all four hooves and pleads, “Pick me, pick me!” Shrek knocks his palm to his forehead and sighs, “OK, fine!” and begrudgingly welcomes Donkey as his sidekick, to later realize they were always meant to be; they belonged together.

Perhaps it is the onset of September, the slide into fall and its inevitable calendar page turning of the seasons spotlighting everything from picking apples, pumpkins, costumes, sweaters and eventually Christmas trees! This brings into focus what choices we are making in our lives, where we belong and how to make sure we are selecting people, places and situations which enhance our lives.

Belonging shapes our legacy infused with decisions we make about loving, choosing and belonging. The origins of belonging go as far back as our birth and how we belonged in a family, home, school, neighborhood and community.

Belonging encompasses the simplest of human contact, such as glancing at a stranger and sharing mutual smiles, to being recognized by another such as “Didn’t we meet at the parent meeting last week?” Belonging deepens to friendships, being included and remembered, acknowledged for our deeds and feeling supported and helped if you have a need.

When this need is neglected by others, and we experience the opposite of being “picked” emotions such as anger, hurt, betrayal and self-doubt take hold. Belonging, being “picked” and in turn exercising our freedom to choose our “picks,” become the cornerstones of constructing meaningful content comprised of the people, places and situations in our lives.

As we form social connections, from the playground, dorm and boardroom, not to mention the bedroom, we are constantly in tune with where we belong and why. For example, in the workplace, being repeatedly overlooked, ignored for one’s efforts and dedication can result in a frustrating loss of belonging leading to the challenging task of finding, and landing a new job. Friendships, as fueled by social media, can be potential landmines of belonging that can erupt and inflict pain with the absence of being included, liked or ignored. Religious, political and recreational hobbies can offer tremendous group membership and belonging fulfillment with shared views, interests and beliefs. Yet, these same groups can shift to very vulnerable spaces where differences of opinion, perspective, and practices may be met with rejection or intolerance creating threats to the permanence of harmonious belonging.

Finally, the ultimate risk to belonging is captured in Carly Simon’s song “You Belong to Me” where she agonizes about the threat of who belongs to who in a romantic attachment. Falling in love is a soulful, reciprocal experience of belonging to another. Couples take the mighty leap holding one another’s hands and hearts into the hopeful forever of maintaining healthy, steadfastly loyal and loving attention to belonging.

Belonging matures as we do, learning what meets our needs for inclusion, as well as how we can make others feel welcomed and have a place in our lives. Building strong, loving and respectful connections where one’s authentic self feels secure and accepted, well that is definitely worth picking.

01Jul

Man with outstretched arms looking out over mountains

Julie LyleBeautiful Life, Life Challenges, Personal Growth, The Journey of Life

Freedom: Stepping into the Unknown with Courage

The secret of Happiness is Freedom, and the secret of Freedom, Courage.
—Thucydides (460 BC – 395 BC), Greek Historian

Just a few days ago, we paused our schedules and leaned into gathering with friends and family to twirl sparklers, do cannonballs into an inviting pool, munch on fine summer cuisine such as BBQ hotdogs and chunks of watermelon and then, with nightfall, soothed our family canine member’s angst as the pop and clack of fireworks bounced from one backyard to the next. The opening quote seems especially fitting for a July 4th reflection and I must say, I am consistently intrigued by our BC philosophers who were able to dispel their wisdom without a Twitter feed or Insta post! Thousands of years later and the words ring true for our contemporary self-awareness.

My intention and dedication to being a therapist is to help clients remove barriers to their happiness. These “barriers” range from many external pressures such as hectic, hamster wheel schedules to a job drain of creativity or purpose. For others, the internal barriers blocking happiness may be emotional distance and loneliness in a romantic relationship, destructive consumption and shame around alcohol or drug use, painful grief from regrets or the ache of historical trauma wounds and a loss of believing themselves able or deserving of a satisfying life.

As we digest the enlightened morsel from our ancient guide, Thucydides, to find happiness is to feel free and to experience freedom is to have courage to step most often, into the unknown. Being in therapy is to seek freedom from discomfort, heartache, anxious pressure, emotional fatigue and punishing self-beliefs and behaviors. Being in therapy is most definitely to be brave and courageous…and makes us think.

In the words of Aretha Franklin, we need to “think.” Thinking about choices and the freedoms we have to tap into with every thought and decision we make. Take a moment to consider how you have been experiencing freedom by valuing your thoughts, practicing self-care habits and breaking out from avoidance through your courageous work in personal discovery. Consider how tough it can be to chip away at some of those “emotional life sentences” either assigned to us from our past or through some of our choices, or fears, that we now must dedicate heart and soul to overturn.

Happiness is not a given, it requires the action of being steadfast in facing our fear of change. Seeking freedom is to engage in courageous conversations with others, to define and advocate healthy needs, to change jobs, embark on a different avenue of meaning, explore a buried desire, live alone following a long-term relationship and be willing to release burdens of guilt and shame by gifting yourself grace and focusing on your unique worth. In essence, facing change boldly and with courage is setting yourself free.

Thoughts, ideas and inspiration take root during these weeks of lemonade, chlorine, beach outings and giggles. The sun, sand and smooth skies stretch out all around us, serving up plenty of time to digest our accomplishments and reflect on our personal next steps. Along with poolside chatter, rhythmic waves and sizzling burgers, the sounds of summer are embodied in music. Here are four of my favorite tunes when it comes to expressing happiness and the freedom to sway your arms, tap your bare feet and enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vet6AHmq3_s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6Sxv-sUYtM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nW5c_9yWgvE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3YHVC1DcHmo

10May

Julie LyleBalance, Beautiful Life, Life Challenges, The Journey of Life

Endings and Beginnings

Perhaps that is where our choice lies—in determining how we will meet the inevitable end of things, and how we will greet each new beginning.
—Elana K. Arnold

May is a month of endings and beginnings. It is the “final” month of sliding from January into the year’s midway point. Not quite landing in June, we are at the tail end of springtime with vibrant yellows splashing on every freeway exit and carpets of green spread on hillsides. As nature spills barrels of blossoms across landscapes we anticipate that within the next month spring will come to an end and summer will begin.

During the past few months, there has most definitely been a resounding common thread from session to session; endings and beginnings. Clients who have deconstructed family homes, bank accounts and time with their children due to divorce. The ending of the way life looked, felt and even where life was located. Clients facing the gaping absence of a loved one due to their sudden departure due to illness or rejection. Time together, embraces, interweaving of life has come to an end.

In the “story” of therapy, the early chapters are filled with exploring what has changed, ended and is no more. The way life was, with its comfortable sameness and welcomed attachments has been wounded and often, nearing an end. Happiness has ended due to grief, love is lost due to agonizing heartbreak, trusting peace is eradicated as conflicts puncture daily routines. Clients arrive in therapy as something has, or must, come to an end.

As therapy progresses, emerging chapters are filled with visiting stages of grief, dusting off or testing out coping strategies and building muscles of adapting to change. As the queasiness of the rollercoaster of change subsides, the reality of a new chapter begins to take shape, there are fewer pages remaining of what is coming to an end and a beginning is coming into view entitled, “What Now?”

In order to envision a beginning, it is necessary to accept an ending. Each of the stages of grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Despair, Acceptance) can feel like devouring tarpits where our hearts can sink and get stuck in what is “no more.”

When we break a leg, sprain an ankle or get a knee replacement we don’t expect to be running a marathon in the next few weeks. We methodically, and hopefully successfully, pace our recovery with stretching, positive mindfulness, guided physical therapy and incremental, realistic goal attainment. In other words, we literally give ourselves TIME to heal. When our hearts break or get strained and sprained and we are faced with an end, we need to allow time to transition to the beginning of what is next.

Personal note: Sometimes endings and beginnings are complicated. I recently had the duality of “I want this to end” collide with “I don’t want this to ever end!” During the recent Billy Joel concert, the continued slicing rain and chilly winds kept time with the Piano Man’s stream of talent. I was miserably soaked and wishing the April showers would be extinguished all the while chanting for one more encore!

03Feb

Julie LyleBeautiful Life, Mindfulness, Personal Growth, The Journey of Life

The Potent Force of Listening

We think we listen, but very rarely do we listen with real understanding, true empathy. Yet listening, of this very special kind, is one of the most potent forces for change that I know.
—Carl Rogers

As a graduate student, I was captured by the beautiful simplicity of Carl Roger’s humanistic psychology theory on how individuals thrive. I learned about his dynamic engagement strategies for counselors to help clients truly feel heard thereby allowing emotional pain to abate and healing to begin. Rogers presented three core conditions necessary to support clients: possess empathy, exhibit congruence and provide unconditional positive regard. Over the many years of being a therapist, these concepts have blended into a compassionate practice of focused listening and deep appreciation for others’ life experiences. As we usher in the month of chocolate, flowers and Valentine’s cards, I find it fitting to speak to what fills our hearts up…listening and being listened to.

Listening is much more than hearing someone else, it is a thoughtful focused attention to what someone is saying. Listening is providing a generous consideration of the message being delivered by another. To be a true listener is to be curious, asking questions linked to what is being said, commenting on the content, reacting with compassion and only then replying and hoping for the other to be an equally dedicated listener. Listening is speaking less and not formulating your reply while the other is still speaking. In every way, it is connecting, reinforcing a secure attachment to another by listening. Listening is the butter on the toast of attachment.

We are social beings, and I don’t mean we enjoy parties (some of us may). Social beings from a humanistic lens means we need others in order to thrive and engaged listening and empathy are ingredients for secure attachment to our caretakers and others. One of the first aspects of a client’s life I uncover is for them to answer the question “Who was under the roof when you were born?” I am asking them to describe their earliest attachments and to find out who listened to them, who made them feel understood?

While sitting at a restaurant recently, I inadvertently found myself conducting a social being observation. I observed which friends, families or couples were exhibiting attentive consideration to others. Basically, who was listening to who? Not surprising yet saddened by what I observed. The focused attention wasn’t on one another. Kids on tablets, parents each on their phones, a couple scrolling separately, other tables seemed to be sharing chatter and laughter, yet often with someone diluting their full attention while head bobbing between eye contact and their phone perched table top. Not very much secure human attachment, only electronic.

I don’t want to age myself as a grumpy curmudgeon, I completely understand the usefulness of electronics, heck I’m using one right now to relate this message to you! We simply have to increase our skills of intentional listening which is in direct conflict with looking at a screen. I heard laughter and turned my gaze to what I guessed to be grandparents with adult family members, not a phone to be found but instead storytelling with laughter abounded.

We long for others to listen to us, to know who we are, what we believe in and why. There is a tremendous gift of love we can give to ourselves and others; to listen. Listening is a skill we each can practice every day, with every interaction. To listen to another with eye contact, thoughtful commentary and empathy, shared collaboration of ideas and respectful questions to clarify differences are all ways we can contribute to healthy connection with others.

05Jan

Julie LyleBeautiful Life, Health, Life Challenges, Mindfulness, Personal Growth, The Journey of Life, Uncategorized

Fill it up!

Like a shipwreck or a jetty, almost anything that forms a structure in the ocean, whether it is natural or artificial over time, collects life.
Sylvia A. Earle

Welcome to a New Year! Opening the calendar for 2024, there is a vast sea of days to be traveled. Flipping the crisp new pages of the “old school” planner, each day an empty vault waits to be filled with valuable treasures. Voyages ventured? Appointments met? Celebrations remembered? And with a click and scroll of the iPhone screen, an entire year appears, each pixel a date yet to be. Which poses the question; what life will you collect this year?

When meeting with clients during the month of January, our discussion often begins with the pros and cons of creating New Year’s resolutions. Setting a few goals with willful intention are useful materials to build structure. When kept specific and with short term assessment of progress, New Year’s aims can be sustainable. Yet often New Year’s resolutions morph into lofty promises that evaporate and lose form, become hard to maintain and result in disappointment or worse yet, self-shaming.

Often we switch the language up from “resolutions” which can feel finite and rigid to “intentions,” a more fluid and softer blanket to carry our hopes for change. Any way you phrase it, the New Year is a time for reflecting what will be sought, kept or archived.

As you collect life this year, consider what you’d like to gather “more of” and what you’d like to have “less of.” Each day is a container you own, to fill up with smiles, gratitude, satisfaction, laughter and health while enhancing your strength and wisdom to remove, drain your day of disappointment, anger, bitterness, fear and pain.

What we collect in our containers is up to us, for example our work, relationships, travels, learning, friendships, activity level, nutrition, spending, curiosities, interests, and more. Life most definitely comes along and drops items in our containers of unexpected or unwanted content not of our choosing for example loss of income, betrayal by loved one, accidental damage to home or self, and more. Each day is a vessel to be filled, to collect more of what brings you contentment and pour out what does not.

This is an invitation to consider stepping back as you note the expansiveness the New Year while also moving closer to examine the possibilities of each day.