The Potent Force of Listening
We think we listen, but very rarely do we listen with real understanding, true empathy. Yet listening, of this very special kind, is one of the most potent forces for change that I know.
—Carl Rogers
As a graduate student, I was captured by the beautiful simplicity of Carl Roger’s humanistic psychology theory on how individuals thrive. I learned about his dynamic engagement strategies for counselors to help clients truly feel heard thereby allowing emotional pain to abate and healing to begin. Rogers presented three core conditions necessary to support clients: possess empathy, exhibit congruence and provide unconditional positive regard. Over the many years of being a therapist, these concepts have blended into a compassionate practice of focused listening and deep appreciation for others’ life experiences. As we usher in the month of chocolate, flowers and Valentine’s cards, I find it fitting to speak to what fills our hearts up…listening and being listened to.
Listening is much more than hearing someone else, it is a thoughtful focused attention to what someone is saying. Listening is providing a generous consideration of the message being delivered by another. To be a true listener is to be curious, asking questions linked to what is being said, commenting on the content, reacting with compassion and only then replying and hoping for the other to be an equally dedicated listener. Listening is speaking less and not formulating your reply while the other is still speaking. In every way, it is connecting, reinforcing a secure attachment to another by listening. Listening is the butter on the toast of attachment.
We are social beings, and I don’t mean we enjoy parties (some of us may). Social beings from a humanistic lens means we need others in order to thrive and engaged listening and empathy are ingredients for secure attachment to our caretakers and others. One of the first aspects of a client’s life I uncover is for them to answer the question “Who was under the roof when you were born?” I am asking them to describe their earliest attachments and to find out who listened to them, who made them feel understood?
While sitting at a restaurant recently, I inadvertently found myself conducting a social being observation. I observed which friends, families or couples were exhibiting attentive consideration to others. Basically, who was listening to who? Not surprising yet saddened by what I observed. The focused attention wasn’t on one another. Kids on tablets, parents each on their phones, a couple scrolling separately, other tables seemed to be sharing chatter and laughter, yet often with someone diluting their full attention while head bobbing between eye contact and their phone perched table top. Not very much secure human attachment, only electronic.
I don’t want to age myself as a grumpy curmudgeon, I completely understand the usefulness of electronics, heck I’m using one right now to relate this message to you! We simply have to increase our skills of intentional listening which is in direct conflict with looking at a screen. I heard laughter and turned my gaze to what I guessed to be grandparents with adult family members, not a phone to be found but instead storytelling with laughter abounded.
We long for others to listen to us, to know who we are, what we believe in and why. There is a tremendous gift of love we can give to ourselves and others; to listen. Listening is a skill we each can practice every day, with every interaction. To listen to another with eye contact, thoughtful commentary and empathy, shared collaboration of ideas and respectful questions to clarify differences are all ways we can contribute to healthy connection with others.